Nat a lie’s blog.

So a couple months ago I got put on celexa, which is a medication for anxiety and depression, which side effects can include suicidal feelings?? That seems incredibly odd to me but since I haven’t been feeling this effect I shrugged it off. However, the last couple weeks or more I’ve been having very odd, realistic, and VIVID dreams every single time I fall asleep. And none of them good. Normally I rarely dream or remember them even well enough to describe. I credited this to my senior venture research paper, which was taking up all my time and consuming my thoughts. I thought the dreams would stop when it was finished but they haven’t. My brain is easily tricked, I have no idea if the medication has been working for my anxiety or if its just the placebo effect. I know this, and the dreams are becoming increasingly difficult to deal with but I’m not sure if I want to take the risk of going a step back. Especially the last two months of high school.

When I got prescribed the meds it entirely proved my Psych teacher’s point, who was talking about this only days before my appointment. She ranted about how doctors will just make any diagnosis and throw any medication to satisfy patients. If this one doesn’t work, here, try this one. Which is almost word for word what my doctor said to me when I had barely even described to her what I was feeling. I had only said a few sentences when she said oh CLEARLY you’re suffering from bad anxiety, here we’ll get you started on these. I just like to feel like I’m doing SOMETHING to help myself out, because it just got to be too much.

Anyway. Prom is coming up and on Saturday I’m going dress shopping with Ashlie, and probably Laurel. I was very excited, and still am, but today my mom pulled out my sister’s old dress, which is incredibly beautiful. I haven’t been to any of the high school functions, and for my senior prom I was INSISTING on having a brand new dress, and one of my own. I have my own style and thought dress shopping would be a blast. But I felt like a fucking princess in my sister’s and started thinking of how to do my hair and makeup and now I just want to keep it!

The best dieting program I have ever been on is my senior venture paper. I was so busy I forgot to eat the majority of the time. I was always busy and drank a lot of coffee which would fill my stomach and I would be asleep before it wore off and I was hungry. I realize this is entirely unhealthy but it wasn’t a conscious process and hey, it worked! I’m happy with my body again but am still working on it.